Conflict

According to Dictionary.com, the best meaning of conflict is ‘a clashing or sharp disagreement (as between ideas, interests, or purposes); a mental struggle resulting from needs, drives, wishes, or demands that are in opposition or are not compatible.’

When I think about the experience of conflict, the following words come to my mind: ‘discourse, disconnect, breakdown, disagreement, fighting, violence, war, disease, sadness, absence, a longing for’.

When a couple comes to mediation, their conflict may have risen out of a time of vulnerability, or perhaps the conflict, regardless of origin, created a time of vulnerability. When couples are unable to find a resolution to their conflict, they may choose to live together in conflict, they may separate temporarily or permanently. If the couple have a child or children, the children not only experience the conflict, but they also experience the longstanding impact of the conflict. Often times, the children become involved in, or part of, the conflict.

Conflict causes stress, regardless of the age of the person experiencing the conflict. The body responds to stress by releasing stress hormones which creates a physiological environment of  stress. The presence of stress hormones in the body, for prolonged periods of time, can impair the body’s natural and optimal functioning and lead to physical health and emotional health problems and even disease. Prolonged exposure to stress causes inflammation in the body, which has also been linked to disease.

Conflict can be beneficial as it can be a catalyst for change. Change is a normal part of life, and depending on one’s perspective and mindset, may be understood as beneficial too. Being able to adapt to change with ease can be a desirable super-power. Being at ease with change, can also be a desirable super-power.  But if conflict is left unaddressed or unresolved, it has the potential to lead to dangerous levels of stress and, ultimately negatively impact one's quality of life. This is a preventable outcome and reality, for most people.

Thorough consideration should be given to determining what outcome (to the conflict) would be most desirable. And equally important, is the consideration given to the method in which to achieve the desired outcome. 

I often wonder if peace, between the parties in conflict, is achievable if the path to resolution is contentious, traumatic, a battle ground, war-like, intentionally malicious, controlling, self-sabotaging?

What does peace even look like? Is it different for each individual person, couple or relationship? Is your definition of peace different than mine? Have you ever reflected deeply on what a desirable outcome to a conflict might be? Do you approach conflict with a plan, knowing what skills and strengths you have to help successfully resolve the conflict? Do you just jump into the battle ground and hope for the best?

The path to resolution, however that may be defined, is equally important to the resolution itself.

When conflict arises in my life, my conflict-associated stress levels drop to a manageable level when I feel safe to address the conflict in a productive and meaningful way - even when a resolution has yet to be reached. While safety is individually defined and unique to all of us, mediators are mandated to consider the safety of the process for participants at all times throughout the process.

I believe the physical and emotional environment in which conflict is being addressed is impactful. It must feel safe enough for everyone. Establishing and ensuring safety is one of the many aspects of the practice of mediation that aligns perfectly with my understanding of achieving resolution and peace. If you feel safe enough to address the conflict, you are more likely to have a decrease in conflict-associated stress levels and focus on productive and meaningful dialogue.

Nikki